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2049
and all that
by Paul Davidson
With
the millennium fast approaching, Paul Davidson rubs his crystal
balls to see what sort of state the country will be in in 50 years
time.
In
Britain.
Britain
have officially pulled out of Europe and formed a new alliance with
Madagascar, Azerbaijan, Indonesia, Nepal, Guadeloupe and the Yemen
to form a new community known as MANGY.
A
new currency is to be introduced, called the "Phukal", which is
worth about 65 old British pounds (or roughly the price of a pint
in the West End). Prime Minister Tony Blair, now in his 13th consecutive
term of office, states that the government will, this year, pump
an extra £250 billion (or 3.9 billion Phukal's) into the National
Health Service. It is hoped that waiting lists for operations might
finally get back to the glory days of the late 20th Century of 1-2
years, from the current levels whereby parents need to register
children at birth for any operation they may require in later life
to ensure it's completion before the onset of senility.
The
grandsons of Glenn Hoddle and David Icke have formed a new political
party to fight the next General Election, to be known as the Hoddike's.
Co-founder Zebediah Hoddle says his Granddad has been reincarnated
as the mascot on his Bentley and told him they would win.
Sport.
FIFA
announce that the World Cup will now take place every eight weeks
and last for six weeks, after the success of the controversial "Four
World Cups A Year" legislation last year. The LTA announce that
Francoise Spleckovidova, the current Australian Women's Singles
Champion, has been found to have such a high level of testosterone,
that she can compete in the Mixed Doubles at Wimbledon all on her
own. EUFA announce the introduction of a new European Football Tournament,
The Blatter Trophy, in which 12,500 teams will take part in the
first round. This annual competition will take approximately eleven
months (at an average of four games per team per week) for the successful
teams to get through to the knockout stages.
The
IAAF have reinstated last week's winner of the 100 metres at the
Bombay Grand Prix, Onseh Norabgurd and ratified his record of 5.6
seconds. The reason for his failing the initial drug test appears
to be that he drunk a cup of tea two weeks before the event. A spokesman
for the IAAF said that maybe they needed to reduce the vigilance
of their drug-testing programme.
A
FIFA spokesman states that there is no truth to the rumour that
by introducing sensors in the match balls, goalposts, corner-flags,
players boots, shin guards, goalies gloves, referees whistles and
linesmen's flags that they hope to do away with players altogether
by the year 2065.
The
MCC announce that spectators will no longer be admitted to professional
cricket matches, as it has been shown that over the last ten years,
it has cost more money in employing turnstile operators than the
senior counties have taken in gate receipts. They may re-introduce
the old system of membership if they can find anyone that is interested.
Football
The
FA announces that in future all Premiership games will kick off
one after the other, rather than at the same time, for tv purposes.
Games will start first thing on Saturday morning and run throughout
the night. Obviously the matches involving the big clubs will kick-off
in Saturday evening prime time, with matches involving Coventry,
Southampton, Leicester City, Spurs and other small clubs, being
played in the early hours of the morning.
Half
time intervals will be extended to three-quarters of an hour to
allow for extra advertising and more in depth first half analysis
on tv. They also announced that all clubs participating in the Premiership
(all divisions) will be limited to 82 non-British registered players
per club and that all clubs are to ensure that a minimum of twenty
five non corporate box seats are to be made available at every Premiership
game for supporters, on the odd chance that someone can afford one.
Also,
they will experiment with four referees in each half next season,
in an attempt to reduce the average game playing time from the current
two and a half hours (excluding half time) since the introduction
of instant replays two years ago. A new England Football manager
will be appointed on a monthly basis in future to ensure that by
the time any scandal emerges about them, they will have already
left the job.
These
appointments will be made on strictly religious grounds, starting
with C of E, followed by Catholics, Protestants, Methodists, Hindus,
Moslems etc, etc up to and including Seventh Day Adventists, Jehovah's
Witnesses, Soothsayers, Shaymen, Witches (Black followed by White)
and Islamic Fundamentalists. Faith Healers will however not be allowed
under any circumstances. Manchester United announce that their experiment
of introducing a new playing strip every match has been so successful,
that they are to change it at half time as well from next season.
Arsenal
are to introduce a new seventh strip with revolving advertisement
boards on the front to list all of their sponsors. Liverpool have
officially asked the FA to enlarge the amount of substitutes available
for Premiership matches to 32. Smaller clubs are thought not to
be in favour, as the current number of 25 for each team, already
fills most of the front rows of their main stands. Manchester United
unveil plans to increase the capacity of Old Trafford to 180,000.
Spectators in the newly built top deck sections are to be given
the facility to rent oxygen masks and binoculars on entry to the
ground.
Police
announce no parking zones around all professional football grounds
of five miles. As the only people able to afford tickets are Lottery
Winners, Disgraced ex-Members of Parliament, Juvenile Pop Stars
and ex England managers, this will not make much difference as they
all tend to use helicopters to travel about in.
Ninety-four
year old Arsene Wenger, still manager of Arsenal, states that he
is finally happy after his club claim their 18th consecutive championship.
Manchester United disclose intentions of pulling out of the Euro
League, formed way back in 2010, to join the new World League starting
play next season. The main reason given is that some of their players
had to play up to twelve games last season and are in open revolt
as some of them only averaged ten rounds of golf a week.
Eighty
eight year old David Ginola was finally awarded his first ever penalty
last week, whilst playing for Bemersham Town against Slingsby United
in the Claridge and Poudfoot Plant Hire (A smile, a song and a big
yellow dump truck) Southern League Sixth Division South. He took
the kick himself and blazed it several feet over the bar.
Manu
Petit's grandson Emile complains in the Daily Bull, that although
he plays only in Cup Finals for his club Arsenal, he is still playing
too much football and wants the players union, now the fourth largest
organisation in the UK, (behind the ex-managers of England association,
the Disgraced ex-Members of Parliament Society and the Civil Service,)
to take action.
Harrow
Borough.
Boro,
now playing in the Thrapwold and Gurnstein (Your local Masserati
dealers - nice day for a new car) Premier League Division One (A)
South, announced their intentions to rebuild the creaky old stand
and floodlights erected in the 1990's.
Club
spokesman, recluse millionaire Anthony Vesuvius, said he hoped the
VP's association (current membership 12,468) wouldn't have to pay
all the money themselves. Alan Paris claims he has no plans to retire
from the playing side of his job, even though play was held up last
week for twenty minutes whilst a replacement zimmer frame was found
after his was damaged in a tackle against Hendon.
He
has apparently decided that when he does decide to leave the defensive
duties to younger legs, he will probably go in goal for a few years.
A delighted Lee Endersby was back at Earlsmead on Saturday having
finally re-signed for the Boro. Unfortunately, as he is now in his
late seventies, he will only be able to sell programmes for now,
but hopes to be back on the pitch in the near future as he is clearly
quicker than most of the current squad.
The
black flags draped around the clubhouse since the disastrous loss
to Wealdstone ten days ago, at their new ground on the Shetland
Island of Unst, have finally been removed. A club spokesman said
that the club should not be too downhearted, as after all, it was
only the second defeat to them in 64 years and 103 games and the
indeed the first if you only include matches in which Boro had a
goalkeeper.
The
tea bar at Earlsmead is to be renamed the "David Hook Tea Bar" to
celebrate David's 1,000th penalty save last Saturday against Fulham.
David said, after the game, that he had been thinking about retirement
lately and that if and when a better keeper came along, he probably
would.
Ex
Boro boss Bob Dowie was jailed for three years at the Old Bailey
on Friday, for the running of his so-called "swear line". Apparently
for £2 per minute, you could ring octogenarian Bob and he would
swear at you constantly for three minutes. However, as an incentive,
if he repeated any swear word during the duration of the call, the
caller would receive a full refund. It is thought doubtful that
this refund ever occurred.
QPR
Benny
Francis, grandson of legendary ex-QPR player and manager Gerry,
said at the press conference Saturday to announce his hiring as
Director of Almost Everything to do with Football except Buying
and Selling Players and Wage Negotiations, that he hoped the current
financial crisis at the club would soon be over.
He
stated that it is the clubs intention to sign its first new player
for twenty-two years within the next eighteen months. Captain Danny
Maddix claims he has no plans to retire, even though play was held
up last week for twenty minutes whilst a replacement zimmer frame
was found after his was damaged in a tackle against Newcastle. A
pest controller had to finally be brought into the club last week
after several fans arriving for the cup tie against Norwich were
mauled by gangs of stray cats, that have plagued the club since
the re-introduction of club moggy Jude, in the late 1990's.
Chairman
Chris Wright said that plans to build a new space age, hovering,
play-where-you-please stadium, holding 75,000 were being looked
into by the Directors. The only snag was the cost involved in finding
somewhere to moor the huge floating monolith on non-match days.
It was announced that the club fully intend to go back to playing
in it's original colours of blue and white hoops next year, after
the failed experiment of playing in luminous yellow and green hoops
to save the cost of the floodlights last season.
In
a desperate bid to lower the number of rarely used squad members
at the club, Rangers are going to try to re-enact the successful
sale of the old plastic pitch in the late 1980's, by selling off
redundant players to the fans. Each player will come with his own
special commemorative binder, listing all games played for the club
by the player and any goals scored etc. The prices of these players
will vary according to the success they have had at the club. The
Directors are hoping that if they can unload 30-40 hardly used players,
they can raise over £100.
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